My Prayer for Today

God, Grant Us Hope & Faith & Love

~Helen Steiner Rice

Hope for a world

grown cynically cold,

Hungry for power

and greedy for gold...

Faith to believe

when within and without

There's a nameless fear

in a world of doubt...

Love that is bigger

than race or creed,

To cover the world

and fulfill each need...

God, grant these gifts

Of faith, hope and love

Three things this world

Has so little of...

For only these gifts

From our Father above

Can turn man's sins

From hatred to love!

How Sweet It Is

Happy 5th Anniversary to me and my wonderful hubby!  The time does fly and I am so thankful to have married the love of my life. 

Life is not full of second chances but luckily for us, we finally reconnected when the time was right.  He was my high school sweetheart, first true and deep love and first everything.  He left his mark deep in my soul and for many years I tried and tried to shake him from my heart.  To no avail, no matter how much I acted and argued to the contrary.

We both moved on with life but always had mutual friends so our circles would ultimately cross.  And every time, I would still get butterflies in my stomach when he was around or I knew he was going to be somewhere I was going.  I would put in some extra effort on looking extremely good and wearing the things I knew he liked.  Oh the vixen I could be.  But you know how it is girls...you just have to make them suffer a little bit for letting the best thing that ever happened to them slip through their fingers!  Ah the games...I don't miss them at all.

We tried to reconnect and date a couple of different times, but the timing was just not right.  It's true what "they" say about timing is everything.  Long story short, we finally came together at a time in life where we were both ready to love and committ.  And the rest, "they" say is history. 

I am so madly in love with a man that the Lord made just for me.  He is beyond any expectation or hope I could have ever had and I am so thankful that I have been shown what unconditional love really is.  He is the yin to my yang.  He is my inspiration and example.  He is my best friend.  He is my partner.  He is my joy.  He is still that man that gives me butterflies just coming home from work every day.  He is so much more that words can simply not convey. 

I love you Jeffrey John and I thank God that I found you again.

One Inspiring Woman (Bird)

Be like the bird that, passing on her flight awhile on boughs too slight, feels them give way beneath her, and yet sings, knowing that she hath wings. ~Victor Hugo

This bird is my sister Carrie.  Her strength and faith are truly inspiring to me and I am so thankful that to call her my sister.  It's impossible to sum her up in words, all the things in life she has overcome and conquered and continues to every day.  This is a meager attempt, as I write about her, to pay homage to a woman who sums up grace, strength and sacrifice.

She is a true servant of the Lord and has proven that in this life many times.  Her selfless and trancendant ways are not just words in her repertoire; they are actions that touch the lives.  Her sweet and gentle nature comfort those in need and provide smiles and this is why it comes back to her.  Her constant quest for truths makes her pliable and adaptable in any situation or place - she can relate to all.  She exudes compassion and understanding and this is only a fraction of why she makes the perfect nurse.  She has empathy that some people couldn't achieve in many lifetimes of experience.  She is an angel and is as close to leading by example as I have ever encountered.

And this is why God continues to bless her.  She is moved by the Spirit and lives her life the way we are intended to.  She has given birth to two amazinly strong and beautiful girls and it's really no wonder that they are such a rarity in the realm of science.  The have no idea how inspired they will be by this mother who has so much to instill in them.  She has so much love to give to strangers, imagine the love she will have for her own.  She already grasps unconditional love so she is far ahead of this game of life. 

She flies above the daily travails of life with faith unshaken.  She even comforts others in her own times of need.  She sees things very clearly and she knows that God will provide and take care of her and her family.  She is a rock and she is my inspiration.  May God continue to bless her and her family daily.  Thank you Carrie for showing us and not just telling us the true ways to live life.

Baby Squared

Just a quick note to let you know that my sister Carrie is having her twin babies today!  These are special little girls who came in a whirlwind and will be entering the world a wee bit early.  At Carrie's 20 week appointment, her and her hubby found out that they will be having identical twin girls.  The good news was they were not conjoined, but the bad new is they were Monoamniotic Twins.  This means they share the same sac.  And in addition to this rare and high risk pregnancy, their cords are entangled which is one of the many risks. 

Carrie has been in the hospital for a couple weeks now for close monitoring and they opted to have the girls at week 32 based on the stats of survival.  They have a better chance as premie's than they do staying in the womb and taking the chances.  I can't imagine the mental and emotional struggle that they went through to come to these decisions.  This is so out of the realm of a normal pregnancy. 

But we are believing in faith that these girls are coming and there will be no complications at all.  God is so good and has been very powerful in our lives.  I am personally still in awe that they are having these babies today!  I feel like we just found out they were having a baby - time flies man. 

Any prayers you can offer up would be much appreciated today.  I believe it will be a joyous day!

Give To Win

"Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little." ~Edmund Burke

I have been doing a great deal of self reflection and praying as of late.  Specifically, I have been wondering what my path is for being a servant to people and to the Lord.  I have been praying to God to not only lead and guide me to what I need to be doing, but for me to hear him when the times arise.  All too often I find myself, in hindsight, realizing I missed out on an opportunity to give of myself.  There is just so much daily noise to compete with and it's challenging to be sensitive to the Spirit when you are just trying to get all the things you need to get done in a day.

I ask God to help me to be an example to my son and family, as well as those around.  I want to make sure that I am not just someone who talks about the injustice of the world and how we need to help others, but to be a woman of action.  Lately, God has been moving me a great deal and I feel like I am heading in the right direction for a change.  I have been looking for the right opportunities to volunteer for things but sometimes being a servant to peoples needs is just as simple as opening your eyes to the ones in front of you daily. 

There are some many wonderful and Godly people around me all the time and it's easy to witness and love them.  The real challenge is being bold around the ones you question or don't know their faith.  I have had a wake up call to take every opportunity that I act on as notch in the giving belt.  Some things are more obvious than others, but it is truly about your hearts intentions.  It's not about making sure people know you are a good person or a giving person.  It's about making an impact daily through big or small acts.  Even kind and encouraging words make all the difference.  We need to build up people all around us.  That love and confidence just comes back to you when you need it most.

At work, I am currently on a team where our objective is to improve communication, community and culture.  I pitched an idea to go over to the nearest homeless shelter to help with breakfast or lunch in cross departmental groups.  The idea has been a hit and it is currently evolving.  I couldn't be prouder that my fellow co-workers also find the importance of volunteering in a community. 

Also, my national sales team just got back from a 3 day trip to New Orleans to do Habitat for Humanity.  It was the most gratifying experience and it has re-energized my motivation for making my company as successful as it can be.  They realize the big picture on a deeper level and I couldn't be prouder to work for a company who is so willing to give and understands what makes their employees feel valuable.  It was incredible to see so many hard-working people all working under a common and worthy goal outside of just increasing revenue.  As a company, that is a key and worthy goal, but for mine to know that there are more important things in life makes me feel like I am at a great place.  I have not had a great deal of faith in corporations.  I have always viewed them as a menace and that they have way too much control over our goverment at a federal, state and local level.

I have been restored and feel like many things are starting to come together for me.  I pray this momentum keeps on building and their more opportunities for me personal to do what I need to do to give of myself.

Do Triple Bypasses Scare The Hell Out Of You?

"Keep your fears to yourself but share your courage with others." ~ Robert Louis Stevenson

That quote is a good one to remember but a hard one to master.  I think it is the most difficult thing to try and mask your fears around the ones you love.  Fear lives in the eyes and conquers your reflexive abilities to control them.  It is impossible to contain that emotion from your eyes. 

Recently, my blessed father-in-law, had a triple bypass.  It was a miracle that it was caught just in time, as his main artery had 95% blockage and two others were about 60%.  We are so thankful that the Lord interceded just in time and Jim listened and went in.  There are not enough words to describe the great man that he is, but picture the best grandfather in the world and he does and is all those things and then some.  He has filled a void in my life and I have had a father again for the last few years.   So when we got the news that he needed this procedure, we were in shock.

Being strong for Jeff was my first instinct but admittedly, I was scared.  I tried to find the right comforting words, I tried to seem like it was no big deal and his dad was going to be just fine.  It was not easy.  But that is what you do for the ones you love.  You become their support in which ever way they need you.  Sometimes it's hard to know which form of support you need to be:  the listenter, the hugger, the positive outlook, the realist, the comforter, the talker.  And that form of support always changes in the moment. 

It's also hard to know when to be the right kind of support that person needs.  Coming from different families makes it challenging because I know what I would want, but that is not necessarily what Jeff wants...as I am learning.  I just want to be what ever he needs but I react with intentions of what I would want.  That is not always the same.  When you are internally frightened, it is so hard to hide that and figure out what the other person needs.  This is why communication is key and I am figuring that out.  I used to be a very closed person when it came to my feelings. 

I have had a few years under my belt perfecting the art of "pushing" things down deep inside.  And they always have a way of manifesting themselves.  Whether that is hard partying, making bad decisions, seeking comfort with the wrong people and just plain physical ailments.  I have experience with that said list and I know there is more that I can't remember.  But what I am learning every day is how to communicate with the one that I am deeply in love with.  It is not always easy, but he has help me overcome so many things and one of them is fear.  Fear of love and fear of losing ones you love.  Because of God and Jeff, I am over those fears and have been able to move on with my life and experience the unconditional love that God has for us.  But there are many fears that still like to linger around and try to destroy you.  And for those fears I pray tand give them over to God.  I can't take them on and I have finally become accustomed to living outside of fear.  So I choose to do so.  It is a daily struggle and it takes a great deal of strength sometimes.  Especially when you are faced with a triple bypass and seeing your husband in fear.  But I dig deep for courage and try to be what he needs in the ever changing landscape of dealing with such a serious procedure in your family.

I am happy to report a happy ending.  My father-in-law came through the procedure perfectly and his recovery has been tremendous.  He is a very strong and healthy man with a great deal of fiestiness on his side.  We are so thankful to the Lord right now and are continuing to pray for a speedy recovery so Jim can continue his life's journey.

Are These The Happiest Faces You Ever Did See?

"For you see, each day I love you more

Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow."

~Rosemonde Gerard

 
This picture just melts my heart.  They both look like the happiest people in the world.  Max loves his Grammie with all of his heart.  He is such a little lover boy.  Whenever he sees this woman, he runs to her and gives her the biggest, full-on body hugs and kisses.  It makes me so happy and satisfied to see my baby love my mommy oh so much.  I love her with all my heart and I never doubted for a moment that my baby would love her, but it is so amazing to see this relationship first hand and to see just how much they adore each other.
 
Every Saturday morning, Max likes to be Grammie's wake up call.  He will go up to Grammie's bedroom door and knock on the door all the while saying "Knock, knock Grammie.  Grammie, Grammie, Graaaaammmiiiieeee.  Knock, knock."  She will open the door and he will jump in to her arms and put her in a bear hug topped with a kiss.  I can't imagine waking up a better way! 
 
They just bring each other so much joy and I am so thankful that I was able to have a grandbaby for this amazing woman.  She would tell you "It's about TIME!", but as we know, all on your own time.  There is no need to rush someone who is not ready for this ultimate endeavour.  And now I am ready to have a dozen beautiful babies!  This is why it's a good thing that I didn't start having children at a younger age.

There Something To Be Said About Communal Living

"Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success." ~Henry Ford

Our current living conditions are a bit peculiar.  We sold our house and decided to build.  But we made the decision to build, after looking at so many houses for a year and a half, shortly AFTER we sold the house.  So, in the interim, we decided we would live at my mothers house and try to save a little money.  Great idea!  But then we found out that my baby sister and her husband decided to move in with mom for the same reason.  Who could blame them?  At first, we thought it was going to be a bit tight and we would have to be prepared for all types of new scenarios.  Let's be honest, most people would cringe just a bit. 

But, I am here to say that communal living is actually quite great!  The give and take of the household really frees up some extra time that I can devout to my baby at night.  I haven't cooked a meal on the weeknights since we moved in two months ago.  All thanks to our new and superior live-in chef Jan (my bro-in-law).  The man is a master in the kitchen.  What he lacks in cleaning and general kitchen maintanence skills, is overshadowed by is serioulsy excellent dishes.  And the man is on a fresh bread kick!  Not just the run of the mill white bread either.  We are talking rosemary and garlic bread, cheddar and garlic bread, round loves, long loaves, wheat and he just brought home a bread-making cookbook from the library...so I can't imagine what he will come up with next.  It has just be wonderful and thanks to him, I am able to play with Max a little bit more at night than I ever could before.

And let's not forget my sister, the tornado!  The girl can't stand clutter or messes.  She seems to think laundry is an enjoyable hobby!?  She is such a machine.  Even when Jeff and I try to do the clean up after diner, most nights she just whizzes past us with a dish rag in one hand while simultaneously loading the dishwasher.  She is something to behold.  Jeff and I try to focus on keeping the outdoor maintanence up to par and keeping the garbage, recycling and compost on a rotation out the door.  When they leave on weekends, we end up doing some cleaning and a little organizing so we can start the weeks fresh.

One thing we did not anticipate, is the fact that we love hanging out with them.  It's kind of nice having varing opinions and conversations on shows or in the case of the boys...football, baseball, basketball, etc.  Sometimes I just want to make them stay at home on the weekends and make them play games and drink with us cuz we don't get out much anymore these days!!  Plus, it is way more fun that going out to the bars these days anyway!  Poor kids...stuck with the crusty couple with no life anymore!!  I kid, I kid...sorta!

Anyway, the point being, I can really see why there was such a benefit to having large families and living so close together back in the day.  Sharing the burden of running a household or large farm or large garden is made so much easier with extra hands.  As they say, many hands make light work.  It allows people to take on the things that they excel at and enjoy the work they do all while being a productive member of a unit.  I am actually thankful for getting this time with my family.  It's been nice getting to really know my brother-in-law and seeing how in love my sister and he is.  It also great to see them with Max.  They love him so and Max loves them.  I am glad that they get to spend so much time with him as he is growing up and learning.  And it just cool to be able to be friends with my baby sister who I used to think was such a little pain...as how most sister relationships are when you are young.  She is an amazing woman and I am just so proud of her and all the talents she has. 

All in all, our living situation has been a blessing in disguise.  And I am thankful for the situation as it is.

One Word: Psoriasuck!

First, I would like to state that this image IS NOT A BUTT. Nor is this image of me. However, this is currently what my entire body does look like. Spots like this cover my ENTIRE body. My ENTIRE body from head to toe. I suffer from Psoriasis. Psoriasis is a chronic disease of the immune system that appears on the skin, usually in the form of thick, red, scaly patches. According to the National Institutes of Health, as many as 7.5 million Americans have psoriasis.

Eczema is often compared to or mistaken for psoriasis and I can tell you that there is NO comparison and people do not understand psoriasis at all. I realize there are some pretty extreme cases of eczema, but overall psoriasis is in a league of its own.

Back in July, I ended up with strep throat. And due to the strep and the breakdown of my immune system, I had a major bought/break out of psoriasis. This has been one of the worst outbreaks to date. My skin is completely covered. Oh did I say that already...well, it is completely accurate and there is no embellishing here. Normally, I have the typical contained patches on my knees and elbows and I have learned to live with it and cope. It's not uncommon for people to joke with me and ask in that insinuating tone: "What have you been doing? Ahhh, been on all fours these days? Damn girl, what have YOU been doing? etc, etc I am sure you catch my drift. But I am good sport and I have a sense of humor. I am no stranger to self deprication and I can laugh at myself. Plus I have been dealing with this for over 17 years now. But this bought has kicked my ass and vanity into the corner.

Talk about great timing. July, middle of the summer, shorts season, tanks, sundresses, skirts - all the things that I love to wear. And now I am afflicted with the most unsightly, painful and gruesome shit all over the place. It looks brutal and it is brutal. I had a really hard time pulling myself up out of the depression. For the first week, I didn't want to leave my house or go to work. This flare up was intense. And wouldn't you know that I also get it on my FACE. My fucking FACE! Apparently it's rare to get it on your face, but rest assured I would be the one to get it there...cuz why not! I am not a vain person, but even this sent me into a tailspin of anxiety, embarassment and just plain depression. It's impossible to cover it up because it's patchy and inflamed. When you try to cover it up with make-up it gets even more irratated and crusty. It inflames more and hurts so bad. It is hard to look people in the eyes and I just wanted to isolate myself. Problem is, the shit takes FOREVER to clear up IF it clears up completely.

As for the rest of my body, it is just plain painful and frustrating. It constantly itches, but then when you itch it you break the patches open, they bleed and then they grow larger. It is very painful. I often compare it to the memory I have of being a kid and playing outside in the snow in jeans. After you are out in the cold for so long and your jeans become completely soaked and the cold penetrates you, and then you chaffe really bad. The painful chaffing times 20! The first couple weeks of the outbreak are the worst. Taking a shower is exremely painful. When the water hits my scalp and body, I bare down and cry. I feel like a burn victim. I remember the pain of having a 3rd degree sunburn and having to treat it with silverdine...I think this is worse. At the very least, they are comparable indeed.

The physical pain is probably the easiest part of this. The mental and emotional pain is at times paralyzing. I hate that I feel so weak to it and I hate that it takes me so low. Trying to stay strong and overcome it every day is one of the biggest challenges. I tell myself that no one cares and I have to have a mental fight in the mirror every morning. But it is just so hard to get over it. My husband is the most supportive and unbelieveable man. Without him and his love, I don't know how I would get through this in a stoic manner. He truly loves me and hurts when I hurt, but he is so strong and encouraging. He takes away all my insecurities and makes me feel beautiful regardless. Because when you love someone with all your heart and unconditionally, as we do, you don't look at your spouse with the same eyes you do everyone else. He has taught me just how much love does trancend so many things in life. He looks at me with his loving eyes and sees me for who I truly am. He sees the beauty in my spirit and soul. Thank you Jeff for being my best friend and getting me through these trying times. I will overcome, as I always do!

Is Living Vicariously Through Your Child Really Wrong?

"While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about."
~Angela Schwindt

My idea of fun has completely changed. Actually, many of my ideas have changed these days. I can't believe I am the same person and have to pinch myself in the mirror sometimes. I am utterly and totally a mother. A rookie mother, no less, but purely a mother. It's 9pm on a Saturday night and I am blogging about my overwhelming feelings and thoughts of being a mother, how much I adore it and how much it has changed me. And this is my idea of a good time now. I spent the entire day with my little guy and we had so much fun. Fun like I have never had before. Fun that provides a huge perma-grin. Fun that runs so deep and the memories will never fade. Hell, that I have memories at all is a giant step.

The last 34 years of my life were spent with many a disjointed memory. Now, I want to take them all in and never forget them. They are in abundance. Everday is a new day with new things to be learned and discovered. I feel like I am a kid again and the joy it brings me to watch my little guy be intrigued and challenged and have so much fun is beyond words. I have heard of the nightmare parents who try to live through their children, push them to accomplish things they never got to do and just pressure them in to doing things they would otherwise not choose. I don't want to be that parent, but I am living vicariously through Max's eyes these days. Is it so wrong? I am seeing life in a new set of eyes and trying to experience with him. Every day is a new adventure because life is so full of things he has yet to do, see, feel or experience. Taking him to parks, zoos and just playing a new game is what it's all about.

I am learning so much about life and myself these days. It is extremely gratifying and such a blessing. Often, when I do actually get out among my friends, I get a great deal of crap if I am not whooping it up. I tend not to drink much anymore as I cherish my Saturday's and Sunday's and can't stand being hung over. Those days are my quality days with Max. I get 2 full days a week to spend with him and I want to enjoy and be ready for anything at any minute. It's what really matters to me, it's what rejuvinates me and motivates me, it's simply my life. So when I am told that I am no fun any more or when attempts are made to pressure me into drinking in excess, I am learning to just stand my ground. Been there, done that for 34 years man. I am on a new path in life. I chose to party and be carefree for many years and it was indeed purposefully. I wanted to be absolutely ready to be focused as a parent. And now I am here and I couldn't be more happy. I am 100% focused and loving every minute of it. Max has made me young all over again and I am completely inspired and blessed abundantly.

"Where there is love there is life" - Gandhi

The theme of today is obviously love. Regardless of this being a greeting card company's dream day, it is one that is themed after the best thing in the world...LOVE. I am about to spew much love. I am so blessed beyond measure to have so much love around me and to be able to feel love. To be able to allow love to pour through me and allow it to dictate all of my actions is no easy feat. I once was afraid of love and didn't want to allow myself to open up to it for fear of losing it. I still struggle with that from time to time but I do try to be mindful of it and push it out of my consciousness. As they say, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I definately agree with that statement.

I can't imagine going through life with never really experiencing true love or unconditional love. And the sad reality is there are many people on this planet that never really get that kind of love. It breaks my heart. When you start out life never really receiving that kind of love, it sets you up for never really being able to allow it into your heart. Love can be a scary thing when you are a person who has never really had it. I imagine it's quite foreign and hard to accept as you have probably built up so many defenses and walls to cope with out it. Perhaps feeling like you don't deserve it can be the biggest obstacle.

Speaking from experience, I can honestly say that I have grappled with the feeling of fearing love. Losing my father to suicide at the ripe age of 15 going on 16 two weeks later crushed me and left me feeling such rejection. The internal questions and guilt were so heavy that the only way to cope was to just block it out and pretend like life was normal. I had a difficult time dealing with the pain and frustration, so it was just easier to drink and party and push it all aside. In doing so, I unknowingly sabatoged many good relationships. When things started to get too serious or there were too many feelings on the line, I would bail. Citing that it wasn't them, it was me was my rationale. And it really was true. I was afraid of getting too close and loving someone in that way, in fear that it wouldn't work out and they would leave me...as I had been left before. I had to be the one to leave first.

Well, long story short, I am proud to say that I have overcome those crazy, irrational feelings thanks to the grace and goodness of God. I now have the most amazing husband in the world and he is more than I even prayed for! He is the love of my life and I want to be the best me I can be because he inspires me. He is my best friend and I can't even imagine life without him. And now I have experienced a new kind of love after having our son. WOW - there are just not enough good words in the English language to appropriately describe that. And it has made the love between Jeff and I even stronger and more meanigful. "Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." - Robert A. Heinlein

How true is that? I could write a book on all the love in my life, as I haven't even broached the subject of God, my mother, sisters, in-laws or friends. There is much love there too. It's just so good to being living life to it's fullest thanks to all the love and not being afraid of it anymore. I have embraced it and have learned that love is forever, even if living is not.

"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have really lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love." - Henry Drummond