Thursday, January 14, 2010

Do Triple Bypasses Scare The Hell Out Of You?

"Keep your fears to yourself but share your courage with others." ~ Robert Louis Stevenson

That quote is a good one to remember but a hard one to master.  I think it is the most difficult thing to try and mask your fears around the ones you love.  Fear lives in the eyes and conquers your reflexive abilities to control them.  It is impossible to contain that emotion from your eyes. 

Recently, my blessed father-in-law, had a triple bypass.  It was a miracle that it was caught just in time, as his main artery had 95% blockage and two others were about 60%.  We are so thankful that the Lord interceded just in time and Jim listened and went in.  There are not enough words to describe the great man that he is, but picture the best grandfather in the world and he does and is all those things and then some.  He has filled a void in my life and I have had a father again for the last few years.   So when we got the news that he needed this procedure, we were in shock.

Being strong for Jeff was my first instinct but admittedly, I was scared.  I tried to find the right comforting words, I tried to seem like it was no big deal and his dad was going to be just fine.  It was not easy.  But that is what you do for the ones you love.  You become their support in which ever way they need you.  Sometimes it's hard to know which form of support you need to be:  the listenter, the hugger, the positive outlook, the realist, the comforter, the talker.  And that form of support always changes in the moment. 

It's also hard to know when to be the right kind of support that person needs.  Coming from different families makes it challenging because I know what I would want, but that is not necessarily what Jeff I am learning.  I just want to be what ever he needs but I react with intentions of what I would want.  That is not always the same.  When you are internally frightened, it is so hard to hide that and figure out what the other person needs.  This is why communication is key and I am figuring that out.  I used to be a very closed person when it came to my feelings. 

I have had a few years under my belt perfecting the art of "pushing" things down deep inside.  And they always have a way of manifesting themselves.  Whether that is hard partying, making bad decisions, seeking comfort with the wrong people and just plain physical ailments.  I have experience with that said list and I know there is more that I can't remember.  But what I am learning every day is how to communicate with the one that I am deeply in love with.  It is not always easy, but he has help me overcome so many things and one of them is fear.  Fear of love and fear of losing ones you love.  Because of God and Jeff, I am over those fears and have been able to move on with my life and experience the unconditional love that God has for us.  But there are many fears that still like to linger around and try to destroy you.  And for those fears I pray tand give them over to God.  I can't take them on and I have finally become accustomed to living outside of fear.  So I choose to do so.  It is a daily struggle and it takes a great deal of strength sometimes.  Especially when you are faced with a triple bypass and seeing your husband in fear.  But I dig deep for courage and try to be what he needs in the ever changing landscape of dealing with such a serious procedure in your family.

I am happy to report a happy ending.  My father-in-law came through the procedure perfectly and his recovery has been tremendous.  He is a very strong and healthy man with a great deal of fiestiness on his side.  We are so thankful to the Lord right now and are continuing to pray for a speedy recovery so Jim can continue his life's journey.

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