"Where there is love there is life" - Gandhi

The theme of today is obviously love. Regardless of this being a greeting card company's dream day, it is one that is themed after the best thing in the world...LOVE. I am about to spew much love. I am so blessed beyond measure to have so much love around me and to be able to feel love. To be able to allow love to pour through me and allow it to dictate all of my actions is no easy feat. I once was afraid of love and didn't want to allow myself to open up to it for fear of losing it. I still struggle with that from time to time but I do try to be mindful of it and push it out of my consciousness. As they say, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I definately agree with that statement.

I can't imagine going through life with never really experiencing true love or unconditional love. And the sad reality is there are many people on this planet that never really get that kind of love. It breaks my heart. When you start out life never really receiving that kind of love, it sets you up for never really being able to allow it into your heart. Love can be a scary thing when you are a person who has never really had it. I imagine it's quite foreign and hard to accept as you have probably built up so many defenses and walls to cope with out it. Perhaps feeling like you don't deserve it can be the biggest obstacle.

Speaking from experience, I can honestly say that I have grappled with the feeling of fearing love. Losing my father to suicide at the ripe age of 15 going on 16 two weeks later crushed me and left me feeling such rejection. The internal questions and guilt were so heavy that the only way to cope was to just block it out and pretend like life was normal. I had a difficult time dealing with the pain and frustration, so it was just easier to drink and party and push it all aside. In doing so, I unknowingly sabatoged many good relationships. When things started to get too serious or there were too many feelings on the line, I would bail. Citing that it wasn't them, it was me was my rationale. And it really was true. I was afraid of getting too close and loving someone in that way, in fear that it wouldn't work out and they would leave me...as I had been left before. I had to be the one to leave first.

Well, long story short, I am proud to say that I have overcome those crazy, irrational feelings thanks to the grace and goodness of God. I now have the most amazing husband in the world and he is more than I even prayed for! He is the love of my life and I want to be the best me I can be because he inspires me. He is my best friend and I can't even imagine life without him. And now I have experienced a new kind of love after having our son. WOW - there are just not enough good words in the English language to appropriately describe that. And it has made the love between Jeff and I even stronger and more meanigful. "Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." - Robert A. Heinlein

How true is that? I could write a book on all the love in my life, as I haven't even broached the subject of God, my mother, sisters, in-laws or friends. There is much love there too. It's just so good to being living life to it's fullest thanks to all the love and not being afraid of it anymore. I have embraced it and have learned that love is forever, even if living is not.

"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have really lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love." - Henry Drummond